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Have you ever been deceptively deceived by food in disguise?
In 2010 I traveled to Zambia with my husband, an 8 week old Sienna in utero and a team of young people; in one of the locations we stayed we were served up the good old British ‘delicacy’ of mashed potatoes with a delicious Zambian sauce poured over the top. I was at the back of the line waiting for food but the servers confidently assured me that there were mountains of mash in the kitchen. The few students in front of me were served from a fresh tray of ‘said’ mashed potatoes when all of a sudden there were cries of “blargh, what’s this?” It became apparent that what seemed like copious and extra amounts of creamy mashed potatoes were actually trays of nsima (n’SHEE-ma); a delicate mix of maize and water. This is a wonderful Zambian staple served daily in their homes but it is incredibly bland on its own (in my opinion) – especially if you thought you were eating mashed potatoes. The students were disappointed, the servers were embarrassed and I had my first experience of nsima.
Parenting can be a bit like this. Have you ever felt ‘this is not what I signed up for’? We see the cute babies and gorgeous tiny clothes, glossy magazine shots of glamorous parents laughing whilst rolling around their immaculately made up beds dressed with white linen and scatter cushions, and then we give birth! And we don’t sleep and we drink cold tea and we walk and work in a daze and life goes on beyond the magazine cover.
Maybe we expect it to be hard but I don’t think anything can prepare us for how much it will truly rock our world forever.
But just because something isn’t what we expected, or is hard or different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Here are 3 little things they don’t tell you in the parenting books:
1. There Are No Experts
No matter how many people claim to be a ‘leading expert’ in the parenting field, they probably haven’t spent a day with your children. Here’s a newsflash, YOU are the leading expert on your family; try putting that in your twitter bio. No one else in the world can love, nurture, disciple and lead your children the way you do. God made you for them and them for you. Be proud of your position and lavish in that glorious game changer!
2. You’ll Experience An Emotion Explosion
You’ll feel love so deep that it will scare the pants off you. The bravest of warriors will go into that quiet and darker place when their child is hurting or suffering; there’s not even a word for that one. You’ll feel lonely at times in your personal parenting journey. You’ll feel guilty a million times and guess what, you might once in a while feel like you don’t even like your child (what?!). And that’s ok. But please don’t stay there. Emotions are meant to be felt, it’s a reminder that we’re alive and sensitive to words and actions and reactions. But it’s how we respond that is the power tool right here. When you feel love deeply, show them; when you’re afraid, talk to someone and pray, pray hard. When you’re lonely, reach out and when you feel guilty, process and move on. And if, or when there’s a moment when you feel like pushing your child away, draw them in – hold them, hug them, tell them you love them.
When it’s hard, do the hard thing.
3. Children Don’t Need Everything
All they need is love (and food and shelter, oh and a bed…and books!)
But really, we do over complicate it! Do you remember that list of ‘must haves’ that you made when you were pregnant with your first child? That list your husband almost took a second mortgage over…and when your second baby arrived it radically shortened…and with subsequent children you merely breast-fed for 2 years and bought nappies (and even they were cloth)!
Don’t worry too much about what the ‘book’s’ say, I guarantee you won’t use half of it!
Maybe we need to spend more time preparing our hearts for our children more than our homes?
I can’t live your life and you can’t live mine but I can give myself the gift of freedom by not judging you; I want to be the best version of me I can be. So as the saying goes ‘free mothers, free others’.
Moments On Mothering
Have you read Moments On Mothering yet? Available to download on Amazon Kindle; individual creative essays on motherhood that should take you no longer than 10 minutes to read each. Check out the reviews here – enjoy the read!